Here are Grey Rock, we have the largest written collection of messages from narcissists on Earth. Every day we get hundreds of messages on behalf of our members as examples of how narcissists think and how they behave. With the sheer amount of data flowing in daily, it's no wonder that we see patterns emerge in the methods they employ to manipulate, attack, control, berate and belittle their victims.

Today, I am writing about the "Explain To Me..." tactic that they use. Make no mistake. This insidious tactic is used as a means to exploit weaknesses and exact control against their victims. The narcissist knows full well that they can back you into a corner by getting you on the defensive and they can gaslight you by using your own words against you.

What is the "Explain to Me" tactic?

The "Explain to Me" tactic is the narcissist's way to get you talking and defending yourself. They use various versions of it like a toddler uses finger paint. Here are a few of the variations that we see:

• Explain to me why you did _____________
• Can you tell me the reason for ______________
• I'm confused about _____________________
• You're not co-parenting with me on __________________
• Why do you think that ________________________
• I was hoping for a bit more thorough explaination on _____________________
• I've presented my side. Now, can you present your reasons for ____________________

Why do narcissists like to get their victims talking?

Narcissists operate a bit like law enforcement when they try any method to get the victim to talk. It is a tactic or a strategy to see if they can catch you in something or if they can find a nugget to use against you. Sometimes they are just digging for your breaking point where you fly off the handle so they can point the finger at you. It's a game of blame. A game that you simply cannot win.

The narcissist will back you all the way into a corner in a no win situation. You know the old saying, "You're damned if you do and damned if you don't." They like to create impossible scenarios and they love to get you to defend yourself.

When you're a victim of narcissistic abuse, your brain unbeknownst to you, will generate a cocktail of various hormones that send you into a Fight or Flight reaction. The adrenaline is pumping, the heart is beating faster, and you feel trapped by their question. The narcissist is looking to extract supply from their victim like a vampire extracts blood. The narcissist can smell the chaos and their mouths start watering just thinking about the juicy supply they are going to get.

Many victims even report seeing the narcissist's eyes go dark or even black while they drink the emotions of their victims. According to Caroline Strawson the narcissist is also in a Fight or Flight state when their eyes go dark. Check out her short video below.

Suffice to say that the narcissist LOVES to get the victim talking and into a fearful state. They feed off of the chaos and disorder that they cause. It's literally their life blood.

A real world example

Below is an example of what we call the "Explain to me" message. This is a message where the narcissist demand that you explain to them or tell them why you did something. This message is a great example of how the narcissist will bait their victims into defending themselves.

Quick trigger warning. Reading these messages may be emotionally difficult for victims of narcissistic abuse.

Read this message about Scotch Tape and see what you think... (*names have been changed, but this is the actual message)

Notice how he starts with "explain to me" and then transitions into what a good parent he is compared to her simply because he is conscious of how much tape is being wasted? And also note that it is not necessary for him to explain to her why he doesn't allow the flippant use of tape at his house with his new wife.

How do we combat this message?

Here at Grey Rock, we have a simple method for combating this tactic. We do NOT explain ourselves or defend our position. Instead, we recommend journaling the event. Journaling your side of the story allows for the release without giving the narcissist any supply.

Never defend, explain, or justify yourself to a narcissist. It is a losing proposition like exposing an artery to a vampire. DO NOT DO IT!!

Take the message above for example. Can you imagine getting into a fight with a narcissist about Scotch tape? Seriously? But for his victim, this is exactly the kind of trigger message that he would use to extract that glorious supply from her.

When we completely avoid responding to these types of messages, we starve the narcissist of the supply they so desparately want and need. Our goal is to get them to move on from us and find another source of supply. We want the vampire to find a way easier target and move on from us.

What about the next target?

I wrote that last sentence about wanting the narcissist to move on to someone else and it brought up the question "what about his next target victim?" This is a tough one for sure. The reality is that the narcissist WILL have a next target. The narcissist doesn't change, never gets better and often gets worse. Their next target is going to find that out in the worst of ways.

By protecting yourself, you are convincing the predator to victimize someone else for supply. It is an awful reality, but we cannot feel bad for protecting ourselves. The next victim, unfortunately, will end up learning the hard way.