When divorcing a narcissist, there's a brief, often-overlooked window of opportunity where they appear unusually cooperative. This period typically occurs just after the separation or around the finalization of the divorce. It’s a time when they’re not yet fully entrenched in their post-divorce persona of counter-parenting, resistance, and vindictive behavior. During this fleeting phase, the narcissist is still somewhat maintaining the appearance of being a reasonable or decent person.
This phase is often short-lived. Narcissists, by their nature, are focused on control and manipulation, and once the official marriage ends, they no longer feel the need to keep up the facade of being a 'good spouse.' Instead, the divorce seems to ignite a deeper, more entrenched level of anger and resentment. Over time, this worsens, and the narcissist becomes less cooperative, more defiant, and more focused on controlling you and using the children as a means of punishment.
In this small window, however, they might agree to things they wouldn't otherwise—such as signing off on your children's passports, agreeing to a better parenting schedule, or even allowing an attorney-free divorce. These moments of cooperation aren’t because they’ve turned over a new leaf, but rather because they haven’t yet adapted to their post-marriage tactics of control.
For example, I managed to get my children’s passports approved during this phase. If I were to ask for them now, four years post-divorce, my ex would likely refuse out of spite. In the early days of the separation, they might even be willing to take the kids for the weekend if you're on a honeymoon or need some time. At this stage, they’re still clinging to remnants of the ‘good spouse’ image and not yet fully committed to seeing you as an enemy. But this moment is fleeting, as they quickly realize the divorce provides new opportunities for manipulation and abuse.
As time progresses, narcissists learn to weaponize the divorce decree itself. They become experts in the document, exploiting every loophole and ambiguous clause to further their agenda of control. They’ll push boundaries, delay cooperation, and engage in high-conflict tactics. Essentially, they become more cunning, calculating, and harmful the longer the post-divorce relationship lasts.
This is why it's crucial to act swiftly during this small window of cooperation. If you can recognize and take advantage of it, you can secure vital agreements—like passports or parenting schedules—before the narcissist’s true nature fully re-emerges. After this period, their behavior only worsens. They don't change for the better; they just refine their manipulative tactics. Understanding this timeline is key to navigating the pitfalls of divorcing a narcissist and safeguarding yourself from future conflict.
Ultimately, during this short period, the narcissist is still caught between their marriage habits and their emerging post-divorce tactics. This is when they may still pretend to be reasonable, but once they realize the potential to use the decree and legal system as weapons, their cooperation evaporates. It’s vital to recognize this window and use it to your advantage before it closes permanently.