and What It Really Means

If you’ve ever co-parented with a narcissist, you’ve probably seen this word pop up like clockwork:

• “Again, you’ve failed to prioritize our child’s needs.”
• “Again, you’re trying to control everything.”
• “Again, I’m left cleaning up your mess.”

At first glance, it might seem like they’re just pointing out repeated behavior. But don’t be fooled. The word “again” is more than just a word—it’s a manipulation tactic.

Narcissists rarely use language by accident. “Again” is specifically chosen to:

1. Create a False Pattern  – They want the reader (especially judges, therapists, or parenting coordinators) to believe that you have a history of failures—even when it’s a one-time event or simply not true.

2. Exaggerate and Shame – By saying “again,” they imply that you’re incapable of change, that you keep messing up, and that they’re the long-suffering parent who’s had to put up with it.

3. Control the Narrative – This word is an anchor. It locks their accusation into a broader storyline where they’re always right, and you’re always wrong.

🔍 Real-Life Example (Analyzed)

Message from the high-conflict co-parent:

“Again, you didn’t notify me about the school field trip. This is just like last month when you failed to tell me about the conference. I’m documenting all of this.”

What’s really going on?

• “Again” is setting up the idea that this is part of a pattern.
• “Just like last month” reinforces that narrative.
• “I’m documenting all of this” is the threat.

Another Example: “Again, please do not dress cohen in the same clothes. He’s wearing the same outfit today (wed) as he did on Monday. It looks bad and people are starting to notice. You have plenty of resources (money, nanny, etc) and this should not be an issue. I even offered for you to borrow clothes. You also have a ton of my clothes already (winter jacket, 2 rain jackets, multiple pj tops, etc). Please return them because clearly you are not using them and I would like them back. Last reminder- he’s a size 10 shoe, not an 8. It’s the lack of care and thought that really shows that you’re not taking good care of Connor.”

“Today was bring your favorite hat to school day. You did not bring one with you/Connor when you dropped him off. Again, image how you would feel as a kid (left out, unimportant, embarrassed, etc). I drove to daycare this morning and dropped off a Mickey Mouse hat for him. It’s your day / you’re responsible and you have a school calendar. Again, this has happened multiple times. I’m tired of being a broken records. Please start taking good care of Connor.”

Reality check:

There was no missed notification last month. That claim was refuted in a prior message thread. But the narcissist’s power doesn’t come from being right—it comes from making you defend yourself.

🛡️ How to Respond

Use the Grey Rock method. Here’s a clean response:

“Per the teacher’s email dated April 3, the field trip was posted on the parent portal. You have access to that portal.”

✔ No emotion

✔ No defensiveness

✔ No acknowledgment of their storyline

💬 Final Thoughts

The next time you see “again,” pause.

It’s not a reflection of your behavior—it’s a reflection of their need to control the narrative.

Don’t let it work.