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Narcissists are notorious for their complex and destructive communication habits. These highly manipulative patterns are fundamentally designed to assert control and superiority over others.
Understanding these behaviors is essential for anyone who finds themselves interacting with a narcissist, whether in personal relationships, professional settings, or within family dynamics. Here are eleven common communication tactics employed by narcissists to dominate and manipulate their environments:
- Gaslighting: Narcissists excel at manipulating the truth. They challenge others' perceptions to the extent that individuals may begin questioning their own sanity and memory. This tactic causes confusion and doubt, making it easier for the narcissist to control their victim.
Example: After failing to pick up the kids on time, a narcissistic ex insists they were actually early and accuses you of always being disorganized, causing you to doubt your own account of events. - Projection: Often, narcissists will project their own undesirable traits onto others. For example, they might accuse someone else of being selfish or deceitful when, in reality, these are attributes that the narcissist possesses.
Example: Your narcissistic ex frequently accuses you of being hostile and uncooperative in co-parenting discussions, despite their own consistent unreasonableness and refusal to compromise. - Love Bombing: In the early stages of a relationship, a narcissist might use excessive flattery, affection, and gifts to gain admiration and loyalty. However, once they feel secure in the relationship, they withdraw this affection as a form of control.
Example: Shortly after a heated custody battle, your ex suddenly becomes overly affectionate towards the children, showering them with gifts and special outings, only to withdraw this attention once they feel their position in the custody arrangement is secure. - Triangulation: This involves creating a scenario where two or more people are pitted against each other. Those involved feel they must compete for the narcissist’s approval, further entrenching the narcissist’s perceived superiority.
Example: Your ex tells you that the children have complained about spending time at your house, aiming to pit you against the children and make you question your relationship with them. Your ex does the same to the children, telling them that you don't like taking care of them. This makes the children question your love and affection. This also plays into parental alienation. - Word Salad: When caught in a lie or faced with a challenge, narcissists often resort to confusing and illogical language. They may change the subject abruptly, deflect blame, or respond in ways unrelated to the conversation at hand, all designed to obfuscate and confuse.
Example: In a discussion about holiday schedules, your ex jumps from topic to topic—mentioning unrelated past grievances, the children's unrelated needs, and legal jargon—making it difficult for you to pinpoint the main issue or come to a resolution. - Passive-Aggression: Instead of expressing discontent openly, narcissists often communicate their displeasure indirectly through sarcasm, backhanded compliments, or by purposefully procrastinating.
Example: After agreeing to a weeknight dinner schedule with the kids, your ex consistently sends them late or cancels last minute, indirectly expressing their displeasure about the arrangement. - Manipulative Questions: Narcissists use cleverly crafted questions to trap the respondent. The way these questions are structured often leaves no right answer, putting the other person on the defensive.
Example: During a negotiation over adjusting child support, your ex asks, “Don’t you care about our children’s needs anymore?” This question is designed to make you seem careless and guilt you into agreeing to their demands. - Withholding Communication (Stonewalling): Narcissists love to exert control by stonewalling. You might send a simple yes/no question and the narcissist never answers. By ignoring the message, the narcissist can make the other person feel desperate and confused. The narc knows that by not answering or being pinned down, it makes you sweat.
Example: Following a disagreement over summer vacation plans, your ex stops responding to your messages about logistical arrangements, leaving you unable to finalize plans. (This happens ALL the time with our members at Grey Rock Communications) - Hypercriticism: Constant criticism is a tool used by narcissists to erode others' self-esteem. This can be subtle, such as continual negative remarks about someone’s efforts, appearance or choices, effectively undermining the individual’s confidence.
Example: Each time you return the children from your weekend, your ex nitpicks how you packed their bags or the state of their clothing, criticizing your parenting over minor details. - Non-apology Apologies: Narcissists rarely accept blame. Their apologies, such as saying "I’m sorry you feel that way," are non-apologies that do not acknowledge wrongdoing but rather, blame the victim for their feelings.
Example: After a disparaging remark about your parenting in front of the kids, your ex says, “I’m sorry if the truth hurts,” implying that the issue lies with your reaction, not their inappropriate comment. - Ambiguity: Vagueness is another weapon in the narcissist's arsenal. By communicating in ambiguous terms, they avoid commitment and accountability, leaving enough room to twist the narrative as needed in the future.
Example: When discussing the children's medical appointments, your ex vaguely agrees to share responsibilities and payment but gives no specific details about who will take them or when, leaving the plans unclear and easy for them to deny responsibility later. - Negotiating non-court ordered terms: Suddenly after divorce your ex obtains their imaginary law degree and starts negotiating everything possible. They somehow are now the legal expert on all things having to do with your divorce.
Example: You send a message to your ex telling them your vacation travel dates. Your ex states something like, "I'll agree to those dates as long as you agree to let me have three weekends per month instead of two."
Recognizing these tactics is the first step in developing strategies to maintain one's emotional health and establish boundaries. Whether you are navigating a co-parenting relationship, a professional challenge, or a personal connection, understanding these patterns can help you protect yourself from the manipulative dynamics of a narcissist. By staying informed and prepared, you can mitigate the impacts of these destructive behaviors and foster healthier interactions.