I get it. I really do.
If you’ve been through a high-conflict divorce—or you’re dealing with a co-parent who thrives on chaos—it makes sense that you’d look for ways to reduce the tension. And one of the most common solutions people turn to is exchanging the kids at the police station. I’ve seen it suggested in Facebook groups, custody forums, even recommended by mediators or attorneys.
But here’s the thing: I don’t think it’s always the solution it’s cracked up to be. In fact, I think it can quietly send some really harmful messages to the kids—messages that often go unnoticed by the adults making the decision.
And we need to talk about that.
First, Who Usually Pushes for Police Station Exchanges?
In my experience, it’s rarely the stable, grounded parent who’s asking for this setup. More often, it’s the high-conflict parent—the one who thrives on control, performance, and drama—who insists that custody exchanges happen at the police station.
Why? Because it reinforces a narrative. It paints the other parent as dangerous, unstable, or untrustworthy… without ever saying a word. And the child? They’re the silent witness to all of it.
Most of These Exchanges Happen in the Parking Lot
It’s worth pointing out that in most cases, these exchanges don’t even happen inside the police station. They happen in the parking lot, often in full view of security cameras, with police officers nowhere in sight unless someone calls for help.
So, what message does that send to a child?
They’re not seeing their parents meet in a calm, neutral space. They’re seeing them stand off in a place associated with crime, punishment, and fear. Every time they get out of the car, they’re stepping into a psychological battleground with blue lights flashing in the background—whether literally or just in their mind.
The Subtle (But Powerful) Messages Kids Absorb
This is the part that really gets missed. The real damage isn’t always loud or obvious. It’s subtle. It creeps in over time.
Here are a few of the messages children might internalize during repeated police station exchanges:
- “One of my parents is dangerous.”
The child may not know who’s “at fault,” but they assume something must be seriously wrong if cops are needed for every handoff. - “My parents can’t even be around each other without police nearby.”
That can create fear, anxiety, or even embarrassment—especially as they get older and start noticing how different this is from their friends’ experiences. - “Mom says we’re here because Dad is scary.”
Or vice versa. Either way, one parent is usually telling their side of the story. Even a subtle comment like “Well, we have to do this for safety” can become a seed of alienation. - “If they need cops for the exchange, maybe I’m not safe with one of them.”
Children are incredibly perceptive. Even if no one says it outright, they start to wonder what’s going on—and whether they’re the ones in danger. - “I’m part of a broken family.”
It’s one thing to feel different. It’s another to feel defective. Showing up at the police station for handoffs reinforces the idea that their family is so dysfunctional, even basic things like drop-offs can’t happen like normal.
Isn’t This Just About Safety?
Sometimes, yes. In rare situations—when there’s a clear, documented pattern of violence or abuse—exchanges at a police station (or better yet, with a professional third-party supervisor) might be necessary.
But here’s what I want to ask:
If a parent is truly dangerous… why is custody being exchanged at all?
Why is the child going with them in the first place?
Police station exchanges often become a tool of control, not safety. They become performative. The high-conflict parent gets to play the victim while simultaneously framing the other parent as the threat—all under the watchful eye of a camera mounted to a light pole in a parking lot.
It’s not about keeping the peace. It’s about controlling the story.
So What’s the Alternative?
Look, I’m not naïve. I know that in some situations, a truly neutral space is necessary. But we have to think carefully about what "neutral" means. Is it possible to use a school, a library, or even a well-trafficked public park? Can you stagger drop-off and pick-up times to avoid interaction?
We should be doing everything we can to de-escalate the emotional impact on the child—not increase it with performative safety measures that do more harm than good.
Final Thoughts
Police station exchanges might seem like the smart move on paper, but they can quietly wreak havoc on a child’s emotional world. They send messages that parents don’t even realize they’re sending—messages about fear, danger, and distrust.
And when those messages come from a high-conflict parent, it becomes just one more tool of manipulation and alienation.
The goal shouldn’t just be safety.
The goal should be peace.
And children can’t have peace when their lives are framed around conflict—especially the kind that unfolds in a police parking lot.