Narcissists wreak havoc on others. They purposefully break hearts, break families, cause emotional trauma. While the damage that a narcissist can cause can't be overstated, they are a bit predictible if you read between their chaotic lines.
Here at GRC, we get to read tons of incoming messages from narcissists. After a while, you get pretty good at spotting what type of message it is. We thought we'd share some of the categories we've identified. In other words, here are some of the themes of the messages that narcissists use.
(We were gonna name this post something like "Five themes of narcissist's communication" but we realize that other themes can emerge. We may end up with 7-8 different themes in their messages.)
Always the victim
Playing the victim card is probably their most-used message type. Narcissists find a way to use almost any situation to turn themselves into the victim. This message is often used in combination with blaming their narcissistic supply (you).
Being the victim creates an easy transition for them to blame you for not caring. If they are the victim, then the focus has to stay on them rather than anything else. Victims are to be cared for, not attacked. This one puts them in a position of power. It's like a trump card. You simply cannot usurp their victimhood otherwise you're the uncaring bad guy.
They use this victim card to be the person who is down. You wouldn't kick a guy while he's down would you? Victim messages can be as simple as this example:
You: "You were ten minutes late to pick up the children"
Narc: "You know my grandmother's youngest sister died just last week and the family is going through so much right now. How can you worry about me being a few minutes late with all that is happening right now? You must be a completely uncaring person."
The narcissist will do anything BUT take responsibility even for something like being late. Then they will use the victimhood opportunity to place blame on you for daring to call them out on their tardiness.
Victimhood doesn't just apply to the small stuff either. Don't you dare have something big happen like a death in the family or some emergency. The narcissist will use your plight to express how busy you've made them and how inconvenient it is that you have this event happening. They will tell you how your situation interrupts their new family's weekend plans. They will tell you how they spent lots of time making this weekend possible and how you're ruining by changing things up.
Narcissist: "We have planned a family picnic with my new wife. You know that her schedule with the kids is every other weekend and she gets so tired of all of the changes you make. You are always interrupting and trying to sabatoge our relationship by asking for changes."
Victim messages almost always turn to blaming you for making their lives so hard. The narcissist can't just give you a simple "yes" or "no" to a request. They have to expand their answers. They have to make themselves a victim or the hero. Which brings us to message type number two ...
"I am the Hero! And don't you forget it!"
The next big message type that we see here at GRC is the "I am the hero" message. This one is a bit devious. The narcissist sends this to build themselves up and put themselves in a positive light. It's the "I'm better than you" verbage that is really gas-lighting.
My new wife is such a great mom. She cares for the kids so well when they are over here. She is always cooking for them and making sure they are having a great time with us. I wish you two got along so that you could get some ideas from her.
The "I'm the hero" message is crafted to brag about how great they are, how great their life is, and how much better off they are than you. They will often throw in jabs so as to break you down mentally. It can go a little something like this:
The "I'm the hero" message from narcissists is a bit insideous. It is dishonest and gas-lighting. It can have devestating effects on your mental health if you haven't learned to deal with these messages. It can mess with your self-confidence and make you questions yourself.
"You will never do better than me"
This one is a one of those devaluing messages that the narcissist likes to throw out there pretty often. Maybe this one is sort of a sub-category of the "hero" message, but it's important to address it. There are several ways this narcissist message can be delivered:
- "No one will treat you like I do"
- "There's no one that knows you like me"
- "Your family will have a hard time accepting anyone new"
- "You'll never find another man to pay for your life like I do"
This type of narcissist message has the intended purpose of making you question whether you're making the right decision. You know you've been abused, yet you question if leaving the narc is the right thing to do.
"Let's Go In Together on this!"
This message is pretty common; especially when the narcissist makes plenty of money. When they send this is is dual purpose. First, it is intended to say to you "look how much money I have!" Its a way for the narcissist to gloat over the fact that they are successful and independent.
This message is also a bit of a trap. They wanna create a case against you so that they can tell others how you didn't want to participate. Messages look something like this:
"Do you want to go in 50/50 on a full-page ad celebrating Jane in her senior yearbook?"
If you say, "yes" then the narcissist saves money! Win for them. If you say "no" then they can use that against you with the children.
"I asked your mom if she wanted to pay for half of the ad and she said no. She is not a good person and doesn't care about you"
These trapping messages can be mentally taxing to deal with. Answers have to be carefully crafted to speak to the accusation that you know is forthcoming. It is a bit of a no win situation when you get messages like this.
"I'm the only parent who cares about the children"
Just the other day one of our client's narcs sent a message about the children coming to his house with a sore throat. He expressed this entire scenario of why our client should let him know prior to bringing the children for his parenting time. At the end of the message there was this line
"I will continue to let you know about the kids' health while they are in my care."
What a trap! If we respond with "yes" then it is an open door for him to email us all the time about the minor cough or sore throat that may happen. If we say "no" then it can be twisted to say that our client doesn't care about the health of the children.
Ultimately we crafted the perfect response, but it took a bit of time to really think about what to say to squash any future accusations.
The Hoovering Message - "Please forgive me!"
One of the standard tactics that narcissists use against us is the Hoovering method. Hoovering was named after the vacuum cleaning manufacturer - Hoover. The narcissist makes attempts to suck you back in (vacuum) by begging for you to forgive them. They often make statements like "I'm different now. I've changed. I deserve a second chance!"
Narcissists thrive on forgiveness though. Forgiveness for them is an endorsement of their terrible behaviors. It means that they can act like a total douche nozzel and get forgiveness. To them forgiveness means that they must be such an amazing person that even when they are shitty, other people still love them.
One narcissist I knew used to say this:
"It's better to ask for forgiveness than permission." (vomit)
I absolutely dispise this saying because it means that they can be a complete asshole and ask for forgiveness later. The narcissist knows that almost no one would agree to be treated terrible. knowing that, the narcissist takes an alternate route to abuse you.
The show off/braggart
Narcissists love to show off their "acomplishments" to prove that they are the better person or parent. "I have this big home (but not paying child support) What do you have?" Here is the translation to some of their bragging!
"I'm better than you because I have possessions. My stuff makes me a better parent. If you don't worship me like the god that I am, you must be jealous and bitter."
The narcissist really does thrive off of having things. Especially when those things come from their new supply. They may have a new truck, camper, house, clothes, pet, wife and sometimes a new baby. They can't help but brag about how successful they are even if they can't even hold a job.
"It's all your fault!"
To be a good narcissist means being amazing at placing blame. They are so good at finding a scapegoat for every possible failing they have. Narcissists who cheat routinely blame their partners for the infidelity.
"I cheated because he wasn't meeting my needs"
That quote is so presumtive. It presumes that they were doing everying perfectly. How could they not be perfect after all. It then presumes that if only their partner had met their "needs" then they would have never cheated. Rather than take responsibility for the immoral choice they made, they place the blame on the partner to justify the behaviors. They blame their own moral failings and decisions on their partners.
They don't only blame big stuff on others. They will regularly blame others for simple stuff too. When they're late, it wasn't their fault. When they don't have all of the ingredients for a recipe, someone else is to blame. It would be miraculous to hear them take responsibility for something. And it would be even more miraculous for them to apologize. That simply doesn't happen. They can not apologize because that would mean taking responsibility for something.
The funny thing is that the blame will often stop long enough for them to Hoover their victim and beg for forgiveness. They don't want to apologize, but they will if they think that their supply has had enough.
I'm The Expert
Suddenly, out of the blue, the narcissist is the expert on any subject. Wanna go back to school? The narcissist tells you all the reasons that you won't succeed in that. Does your doctor recommend something for the children? All of the sudden, your narcissist is a board certified physician.
They tend to think that they know more than anyone and everyone even when it's clear that they don't. I think that they love to hear themselves talk. They are so smitten with themselves that they could talk all day!
The Projection message
Narcissists like to project their failings onto their supply. Often when something is going wrong, they narcissist will project the failing onto others. Saying things like:
You're not trustworthy! You never tell the truth!
This is the closest the narcissist ever comes to telling the truth. They are actually saying something that is true about them while accusing others of the very attributes they possess.
The "calm before the bully" message
Sometimes the narcissist will message you very calmly and politely.
"Hey, do you wanna talk about signing our daughter up for soccer?"
You may respond very kindly and politely with something like, "soccer isn't going to work this Fall becuase she has piano lessons on Thursdays and couldn't make the games."
The narcissist can't understand a reasonable answer like that however and immediately turns into a bully.
"Well, soccer is much more important to her. She doesn't even like piano and she told me that she wishes you wouldn't put her in those lessons anyway. No one in your family is musical and she would be a better soccer player than piano player."
The narcissist tries to manipulate you into doing what they want to do. They also love to pull the kids into disagreements to try to gang up on you.
The tear-down messages
Narcissists are experts at devaluing their victims. They will send messages like this:
“Are you sick? You looked pale today but maybe you just need a makeover.” Or “you used to have a sense of humor, what happened to you?”
These jabs are exhausting. And they can cause a number of mental challenges for the abuse victims. Brain fog, memory challenges and loss of sleep are just a few of the symptoms of narcissistic abuse.
Devaluing is a huge part of the narcissistic personality. It is as much a part of them as their eye color or height. It will never change. It CAN'T change. It is them! The unfortunate reality is that tearing you down is how they operate.
The sentimental messages
The narcissist will often try to butter up their abuse victim with sentimental messages.
"Remember when we were in love? Remember that time when we laughed so hard at the cabin?"
These are traps that the narc sets for their abuse victims.
The sentimental messages are used for many different reasons:
Narcissists love to get us to engage with them. They love to interrupt what we're doing especially when we have a new love interest. They have to see if they can get in there and get some information or sabotage something.
The "This is an Emergency and Can't wait" message
"I just need to ask you about the game next Friday night. Do you know if we are on field one or three?"
Messages like these are almost always a way for the narcissist to interrupt your life in some way. These messages aren't emergencies, but the narcissist will pretend that it has to be answered right now.
- The narcissist wants to request something and need to soften up the supply
- The narcissist wants to impede the former supply from moving forward with a new boyfriend
- The narcissist wants to interfere with something fun you're doing
The chaotic message
The chaotic message works like this. You may sent a message asking if they can take little Johnny to practice on Monday. Simple "yes" or "no" right? Wrong! Not with a narcissist. That question will often turn into a five paragraph dissertation on why you're a bad parent for not being able to take Johnny to the game. Then the message will end with the narc's questions and concerns about Johnny's math test last Thursday.
Nacissists thrive on chaos. Chaotic environments, messages and lives help them hide themselves from other. The biggest fear a narcissist has is being exposed to the world. The more chaos they cause, the better because they can point fingers, blame, accuse and lie under the cover of the confusion.
The "How Would You Feel" Message
I hate the "How would you feel" messages that narcissists send. They are a stupid, made up story to try to justify their own shitty behaviors. They will launch into this long message and ask "how would you feel" attached to a completely unrelated subject.
"How would you feel if Little Johnny wanted to have a birthday party with his friend James and you wouldn't let him go to the soccer game that was last Thursday only to find out that he had gotten sick from interacting with some others last weeked?"
The crafty narcissists are really good at making up completely unrelated stories to justify their actions and inactions.
The amount of abusive messages that the narcissist sends can be quite overwhelming. Because our clients share children with these people they feel obligated to read and respond to the narcissist. We take all of the messages and respond on our clients' behalf. With GRC, you don't have to read or respond to ANY of their crazy messages. We do all of that for you.
Our clients report a feeling of freedom once they never have to see the abusive messages from their ex.
Contact us today for more information about the Grey Rock program.