In high-conflict co-parenting situations, most people focus on the obvious fights—the court battles, the texts, the legal motions. But what often gets missed is the narrative that the narcissistic parent builds and reinforces over time. And make no mistake: It’s not just aimed at the other parent. It’s carefully, quietly aimed at the children.
That narrative isn’t always loud. It’s rarely explicit. But it’s there, woven into comments, body language, "concerned" conversations, and even logistical choices like where exchanges happen or what information is shared.
And here’s the worst part:
The child never signed up for this.
They didn’t choose to be a character in their parent’s warped story—but they’re living in it every day.
What’s the Narrative?
The narcissistic narrative usually sounds like this:
- "Your other parent isn’t safe."
- "Your other parent doesn’t care about you like I do."
- "Your other parent is irresponsible, unstable, or crazy."
- "You can’t trust your other parent."
- "I’m the only one who really loves and protects you."
It’s a slow, steady drumbeat, and it’s often disguised as concern, protection, or "truth-telling."
But what it really is… is manipulation.
Common Ways Narcissistic Parents Reinforce the Narrative
Beyond things like police station exchanges, here are some of the subtle (and not-so-subtle) ways narcissistic parents shape their children's perception of the other parent:
Constant "Translation" of the Other Parent’s Behavior
The narcissist will reframe everything the other parent does in the worst possible light:
- If the other parent sets a boundary, it’s "They’re being mean to us."
- If the other parent disagrees, it’s "They’re attacking me, and by extension, you."
- If the other parent enforces rules, it’s "They’re controlling."
The child is trained to filter everything through the narcissist’s victim lens.
Oversharing Adult Problems
Narcissistic parents will often "confide" in the child—telling them way too much about court battles, financial struggles, or personal attacks from the other parent.
It sounds like transparency, but it's really emotional enmeshment. The child becomes their therapist, their ally, their emotional dumping ground.
Weaponizing Logistics
Choices like exchanging at a police station fall into this category, but it doesn’t stop there. Narcissists will:
- Choose the most inconvenient, tense, or public exchange locations.
- Move the exchange location last minute to have you chase them all over town.
- Show up late or early to create stress and blame.
- Make communication overly formal, legal, or cold (forwarding court orders to the child, for example).
Every logistical choice becomes part of the message: "Look how hard it is to deal with your other parent."
"Protective" Warnings
The narcissist will position themselves as the child’s only safe person:
- "Be careful around your mom."
- "Your dad doesn’t understand you like I do."
- "If you ever feel scared over there, call me." (highly insidious as it sets a stage for the child to be frightened of their other parent)
It sounds protective, but it’s fear-mongering. It plants anxiety and suspicion in the child’s mind.
Passive-Aggressive Guilt and Loyalty Binds
One of the most toxic tactics is guilting the child for loving, enjoying, or spending time with the other parent:
- "I’m glad you had fun... I was home alone all weekend."
- "I guess your dad is better at that stuff than me."
- "I don’t blame you for wanting to be with her more."
- "I missed you so much" or "I'm going to miss you so much."
The message:
"You’re hurting me by loving them."
This forces the child into an impossible loyalty bind.
The "Truth Teller" Persona
Narcissists love to claim that they’re just "telling the truth"—about the divorce, about why the other parent is "dangerous," about everything the child "needs to know."
But truth-telling becomes storytelling when it’s one-sided, incomplete, and designed to alienate.
Why This Narrative is So Damaging
Over time, this slow drip of manipulation can erode a child’s sense of security, stability, and even identity.
They learn to question their own experiences.
They learn that love comes with strings attached.
And they may grow up believing that conflict and division are normal.
What’s worse is that many of these tactics fly under the radar. They don’t look like abuse. They don’t show up in court filings. But they shape how a child feels about their family—and about themselves—for years to come.
Final Thoughts
Children deserve to grow up free from the weight of their parents’ narratives. They deserve the space to love both parents without guilt, shame, or fear.
If you’re co-parenting with a narcissist, one of the best things you can do is recognize the story being told—and quietly, patiently, and lovingly offer your child a different one.