Narc Babble: Decoding the Tactic Narcissists Use

At Grey Rock Communications, we’ve amassed the world’s largest collection of messages from narcissists, submitted daily by our members. For instance, these messages reveal clear patterns in how narcissists manipulate, control, and belittle their victims. Today, we’re diving into one of their most insidious tactics: the “Explain to Me” message. Make no mistake, this strategy is designed to exploit vulnerabilities, gaslight victims, and maintain control.

What Is the “Explain to Me” Tactic?

The “Explain to Me” tactic is a narcissist’s way of putting you on the defensive, forcing you to justify your actions or decisions. For example, they use variations of this phrase like a toddler wielding finger paint, crafting messages to trap you in a no-win situation. Here are common examples:

• “Explain to me why you did [action].”
• “Can you tell me the reason for [decision]?”
• “I’m confused about [situation].”
• “You’re not co-parenting on [issue].”
• “Why do you think [belief]?”
• “I was hoping for a more thorough explanation of [topic].”
• “I’ve shared my side. Now, present your reasons for [action].”

Essentially, these messages are a deliberate attempt to make you talk, defend, or explain yourself, giving the narcissist ammunition to twist your words or escalate conflict.

Why Narcissists Love This Tactic

Narcissists use “Explain to Me” messages like interrogators, probing for weaknesses to exploit. For instance, they aim to:

1. Catch You in a Lie: They dig for inconsistencies to use against you.
2. Push Your Limits: They provoke you to an emotional breaking point, then blame you for overreacting.
3. Extract Supply: Your fear, frustration, or anger fuels their need for control and chaos.

As a result, responding to these messages traps you in a cycle of blame—a game you can’t win. When you defend yourself, your brain enters a Fight-or-Flight state, releasing stress hormones like adrenaline. Consequently, your heart races, and you feel cornered. Narcissists thrive on this chaos, feeding off your emotional distress like vampires drawing blood. In fact, many victims report seeing the narcissist’s eyes darken during these moments, a sign of their own heightened state, as noted by trauma expert Caroline Strawson in her video on narcissistic behavior.

A Real-World Example: The Scotch Tape Message

To illustrate, consider this real message from a narcissist (names changed for privacy):

“Please explain why you think it is appropriate to disregard our household rules and send three rolls of tape with Emma to our house.
It is inappropriate for you to insert your decisions into our household. It only confuses Emma and puts her in an uncomfortable position. Clarity of household boundaries, especially with the inevitable differences of rules between your household and our household, is essential for Emma’s well-being. When you decide to flout rules, you only confuse and hurt her.

It should not be necessary for me to explain why we have rules that differ from yours, but the gist of this rule is for her to be conscious of resources and to not waste. She is allowed tape at our house, but she is not allowed to do whatever she wants whenever she wants, and she is not allowed to waste resources.

This rule is in place because she was wasting tape and was not conscious of her decisions. So, as good parents do, we gave her some structure. It is not appropriate for you to come in from left field and remove that structure, and therefore confuse matters for her.”

Trigger Warning: Messages like this may be distressing for survivors of narcissistic abuse.

Notice how the narcissist starts with “Please explain,” then shifts to portraying themselves as the superior parent while accusing the victim of harming their daughter. Moreover, they claim it’s “unnecessary” to justify their rules, yet demand the victim explain theirs. This message is a classic bait: it’s designed to provoke a defensive response, fueling the narcissist’s need for control and chaos over something as trivial as Scotch tape.

How to Combat the “Explain to Me” Tactic

Fortunately, there’s a simple way to neutralize this tactic: don’t respond. At Grey Rock Communications, we advise against defending, explaining, or justifying yourself to a narcissist. Instead, use these strategies:

• Journal Your Truth: Write down your side of the story in a private journal. This allows you to process emotions without giving the narcissist the “supply” they crave.
• Stay Silent: Ignore “Explain to Me” messages entirely. For example, in the Scotch tape scenario, responding would only escalate the conflict, giving the narcissist ammunition.
• Use Grey Rock: Respond with neutral, brief replies (e.g., “I’ll follow the parenting plan”) if a response is unavoidable, especially in co-parenting situations. This starves the narcissist of emotional fuel.

By refusing to engage, you deny the narcissist their desired chaos, encouraging them to seek supply elsewhere. In other words, your silence makes you a less appealing target, prompting them to move on.

The Ethical Dilemma: What About the Next Victim?

At this point, you might wonder, “If the narcissist moves on, what about their next victim?” Admittedly, this is a painful reality. Narcissists don’t change; they often worsen over time, targeting new victims to manipulate. However, protecting yourself is not selfish—it’s survival. For instance, by disengaging, you preserve your mental health and model healthy boundaries for others, including your children.

Conclusion: Break Free from the Narcissist’s Trap

The “Explain to Me” tactic is a deliberate tool narcissists use to manipulate, gaslight, and control. However, by recognizing these messages and refusing to engage, you can break free from their cycle of abuse. For example, journaling, staying silent, and using Grey Rock techniques empower you to reclaim your peace and protect your well-being.

If you’re navigating narcissistic abuse, you’re not alone. For personalized guidance, contact Will at Grey Rock Communications for coaching to develop strategies tailored to your situation.